Quitting Smoking Part One

I've finally made a commitment to myself to quit smoking cigarettes.  I've been smoking for about 15 years now, nearly half my life (yikes!).  I think everyone has heard of that one person who someone knows who just decides and throws the pack out and never touches them again.
I'm not that person.
I bought an electronic cigarette. This is my first step. To replace it and remove the tar, ammonia, and other additives that come along with conventional cigarettes.
I've had a few false starts, going a few days and then asking for one from a friend or family member.
April 1st was the last one I've had this time. I've been using the electronic one on and off.   I'm  using it a bit like a crutch, for when I really feel like I need to smoke.  But I don't want to get dependant on that either.
A good friend told me that if you are addicted to something you will always find a reason to have one more. No matter if you are making excuses for having one, or want to reward yourself.  Telling yourself no in those situations is hard.
Six days...it feels good :)

Hiatus over?

Admittedly I have not been very good about keeping my blog updated.  Life can be wild, stressful, and wonderful.  I also struggle with the theme I have chosen for my blog.  I'm letting go of that a bit in order to post more and more helpful things.  So, not everything may make sense to be here but in the spirit of truly living, my gosh here we go!
You may notice the tabs on top of the page have changed. I want to make this site as easy to navigate as possible so I'll link things as I can there. Be sure to follow me on Pinterest, where I'll link my posts as well.
Enjoy!

Overhaul

This is going to take a while but a huge overhaul is happening over the next few days...or so. Exciting big things are in the works. Check back soon!

~Live Free or Die!~

Advanced apologies are in order, tonight I post from the confines of my plastic tent via my phone. We are camping in Thetford, Vermont tonight. It's raining although we left Saturday and had been lucky until now.

We left Machias on Saturday to go to Concord, NH to go to Granite State Music Festival. The pictures are from a little dock next to the festival. The gold domed building is the Capitol building, we saw some paw prints next to the river perhaps raccoon?, tadpoles, and rose hips. Tommorrow I will post more adventures!

~Under the Spreading Chestnut Tree~

Yesterday I was thrilled to find a little blast from the past, in the natural world: small group of horse chestnut trees.  When I was growing up as a little girl in Southern Germany we had about twenty of these in the backyard play area however ours were much older I believe. The trunks of ours were very thick, an adult couldn't even get their arms around one. Once my mother even tried to roast them.  We concluded then that they were not the typical Christmastime chestnuts we had heard about. They were very bitter, not edible. While I was standing under it taking pictures I took big deep breaths of the smell that I hadn't smelled for more than fifteen years.   When I own my own land I'd like to plant one.  I plan on visiting this one in the fall to see if it drops any burs with the nuts in it. I'd like to photograph one. There is so much I miss about Germany but I was so happy to have this little bit within reach again.  I was so happy to see one here, thousands of miles away in Machiasport.

~I feel so free I could have wings~

I've been doing a great deal of dreaming about showing my paintings.  The thought has always terrified me though.  A conversation that I recently had with a dear friend and local artist is beginning to convince me that the fear I feel is natural, and all artists feel the same to some extent.  He described to me what it was like when he started out. So I have come to the stunning conclusion that I will not only be showing my spirit animal collection here and on Pinterest; but I will also be offering the originals for sale on Etsy.  This is huge for me! I hope that everyone likes it! I have the nervous  jitters about this.  Oh my, I can't even explain.  Remember #6 on my list?  I've always sketched, painted, and doodled. My whole life. When I was about 12 I used to spend hours laying on my bed with markers or colored pencils, filling pages and dreaming. It was tradition in our house. Every Christmas I got art supplies as one of my gifts.  Because that is what I spent the most time doing.  It was my Zen before I knew Zen.  An empty page, I would stare at it imaging that it could become anything. The Mona Lisa, Starry Night, The Last Supper.  Every great work of art began as a clean slate. Once Bob Ross said "This is your bravery test." while I was watching him preform magic on a canvas. Every now and then I hear him say that. Okay here I go, I decided that July tenth will be my opening day !

~The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me~

  So much of our lives just pass us by, lately we've been making a point to simplify and have more moments of pure joy. Stop and look a moment, appreciate everything for what is there, and what we regularly don't see.

My gosh I've been so blessedly busy lately! There have been trips to the beach with my lovely boy, much watercolor painting (soon I promise!), and planning our vacation to New Hampshire (camping wooo!)  There has been lilac picking and ocean frolicking.  My head has been whirling with plans, ideas, and dreams of the future. Life has been so sweet, it's like the entire world is open and full of wonder.  I read a quote recently that said something like "It's never too late to do what you dreamed of doing." I believe it.  Wholeheartedly.

~Bad Little Falls~

Good morning! These pictures were taken Saturday,we were sitting on the bank of the river enjoying the view from the laundrette parking lot. Talking a little and relaxing. It was so nice that my son wanted to lay in the grass and close his eyes. He said he was a cat sleeping in the sun. He basked. Seriously beauty is everywhere if you are looking. We decided to do a little hometown tourist excursion. 

This is Bad Little Falls, in Machias, Maine. It is lovely, the sound the water makes is fantastic too.  The water crashes down in several places and there is the Main Street Bridge over it as well as a smaller footbridge that we went over with a small platform below.  One of the best spots for a picnic. (Soon I hope!)

Thank you all so very much!I've reached over 5,000 followers on Pinterest!  In celebration I have vowed to post more content and more frequently! ( I have a blog overhaul planned too!)  If you aren't already following me and want to you can find my page here: Zen Goddess Living!
Again thank you so much, I feel so grateful!

~Meditative Spring Cleaning~

In meditation you try to clear your mind. At first, your mind may be very busy and you might even feel that the meditation is making your mind busier; but in reality you are becoming more aware of how busy your mind actually is. Looking around at my life, my home, my vehicle, my phone, and my computer I realize that my mind is not the only thing cluttered with unnecessary things.
For me when I clean I like to listen to music. Something soft, like my stations here.  It helps keep me in a good head space, without slipping into negative thoughts or getting overwhelmed. I don't see cleaning as work, just as a gift I am giving myself, a clean slate. So I cleaned, donate and organized. Sitting down afterwords with a big deep breath. 

~Sudden Beach Day~

I've been working so hard lately! I've been working at my day job and on the spirit animal watercolor pictures. They are coming out great.  Plus I have a few side projects.  I had to take a day trip to Bangor. It's about 2 hours each way.  I got my nose pierced. I've wanted it for a long time.  I've always seen it on pictures of East Indian  women and loved it. It looks so exotic.  I got it pierced with a plain silver stud but after it heals I want to get a tiny gold hoop. 

A good friend gifted me with a bunch of extra yarn balls that were destined for the garbage.  They are varying shades of brown. I stared at them for a few nights trying my best to decide what to do with them.  Still undecided.  So the pressure of hustling around had me a little stressed.
Suddenly after work the other day I decided that we needed something different.  I was driving with my son and in a split second decided we were going to the beach.  We didn't bring anything, just went.  The beach we like most is Rogues Bluff State Park.  On one side of the road is a lake with two soft sand swimming areas.  Later in the year we will go there to swim. The water is still way too cold. But the ocean up here is too cold to swim in. On the other side of the road is a long row of rose hip bushes with little narrow paths leading to the beach.
There is soft sand at the top and lower rocks wash up with the tide. My son and I spent the afternoon walking together in the heavy sand with our pants rolled up to the knees, carrying our shoes.  We walked the beach plucking sea glass up like tiny jewels. I explained to him how it is made.  He finds a tiny shell here and there.  He found me a beautiful piece, large and smooth with an interesting shape, still clear but a little shattered inside.  He was so proud of his find as I oohed and awed. "Can you wear this on a necklace?" he asked me.  I always wanted to make sea glass jewelry... "I wish you could make bracelets with the sea glass. It's really pretty and ocean-y"

I thought it over I'd need a drill to secure the sea glass. What kind of fiber or metal could I use that is natural or recycled.  I had thought of it before but never really thought it through as an actual plan.  Every time I found a little bit of sea glass I've wanted to make jewelry but never have. I think it's time!  And that quickly another project falls into my lap.
We looked at our shiny little gems in wonder, I'm so excited at the thought of wearing our finds. How cool!
Inspiration comes from everywhere, I thought. Something about nature just makes everything come together for me. I looked out over the ocean, wishing cameras could capture the aura of the place, of our good moods, and the feeling of the warm wind and cold water.
The wind whipped my hair into my face.  I forgot how long it was getting. My bob from last year has grown out. When I put it in a high ponytail the tip of the tail brushes my neck. I'm kind of sick of ponytails.  Headbands would be a nice change.  I think that might be a good way to recycle that yarn...
Enjoy the  pictures from our day!  I think the spirit animal watercolor pictures may be ready for my  next post. See you then.

~A Day in the Life~

I've been thinking a lot lately about Native American spirit animals and the meanings each animal has. How do you find your spirit animal?  I want to know what mine is so much!  I'm currently in a research  and exploration stage. There are two I gravitate towards, hilariously enough they are complete animal opposites. I need to study more. I am planning a series of posts covering many of my findings about several of the animals. Art work!  The research is so inspiring I've started the sketches for a watercolor collection with the theme.  It's very exciting and I look forward to being able to share my art, research on spirit animals, and maybe what mine is!

Six fawns in all crossed in front of my work vehicle, but quickly scooted into tangled brush. One was a little curious. Adorable!

My poinsettia lives!  Despite being mauled by Great Dane, being tousled in the move, and accidentally placed in a room too cold for it.  It has decided to thrive again.  What a forgiving little thing.  I was given poor thing because after Christmas (2012) the owner threw it in a garbage bag and into the back of a truck for a day or two. I revived it slowly over that winter and spring and it grew huge in the summer, with many leaves and was quite tall as well.  However I had predicted it to flower in November and it has not produced a flower for me yet. Perhaps this year... If not I will still care for it.  The leaves are lovely. I think it is quite photogenic. Once we settle into a more permanent home I look forward to re-potting it into something lovely.

 Herbology! ~ This is one of my great loves.  Since I was small I have always had a love of all things natural and appreciation of how every ailment has a natural cure if we are wise enough to find it.  Every culture has found this. Pagans witches, witchdoctors, medicine men, grandmothers, survivalists, and holistic healthcare professionals they have so much in common:  The wisdom that nature provides. I have studied home remedies and natural cures.  Love, love, love.  Researching more of this for my home garden.

  With so many projects going on I have been telling myself to remember the small things. I want to make sure that the fleeting everyday moments don't pass me by. I took some time to get to know myself better.  I wanted to take notice of the small things that I appreciate and not lose the feeling of the moment. 

~The View from Up Here~

  These lovely pictures are all taken from the deck of my suite at the Lucerne Inn in Dedham, Maine. The view is absolutely lovely and the air is crisp and cool. Ahh, I'm feeling a bit like a spoiled brat.  I'm here for a wedding of two of my very close friends.  What a  perfect venue!  I hope I get to come again in the summer or fall when the leaves are changing.  I wish this was my deck.  This morning I woke up before anyone was stirring and had a nice green tea sitting out here while wrapped in a blanket. Spring is late coming here in Maine but you can see the little bits of green poking out here and there.  Spring is all about hope, starting over, and potential.







I also wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for making my Pinterest launch a success! Over 1k followers in less than 2 weeks!! ~ Thank you!~

If you aren't following me yet you can by clicking here: Zen Goddess Living

~Living in the Moment~

I have been doing a lot of of quiet contemplation lately. At least that is what it looks like outwardly.  Have you ever asked yourself "What do I want to do with my life?"  Admittedly I have not been asking myself this. I have been doing the things I need to do, have to do. Responsibility, drudgery keep everything afloat.

And I just got so wrapped up in it.

Everyone does.

Take a deep breath.

"What do I want to do with my life?"

Some things come to mind. Frivolous things. At first glance but in reality why do the things you have to do if you can't do the things you want to?

Why do we pursue knowledge not to share it? Why do I take photographs that no one will ever see?  

Do I know what I want to do with my life?

 By asking myself these questions I believe that I learned a lot about who I really am.  I may have gotten closer to the answers I was looking for. 

Just the practice of sit and think. It seems so simple, but I had lost that.

Making time for myself. Just to sit. Think.

Or not think.

Clearing the thoughts away.

How do I picture my future?

How do I get there?

No.

That causes too much stress.

The moment, right now.

My bare feet on the cool wooden floor.

The breeze.

The warm sun on my skin.

Breathe.

This is what I want. I want to be in the moment. I want to enrich each moment by being there completely without worrying about the things I need to do.

That seems like a good place to start.

#1. Live in each moment, unafraid of the next.

In that spirit I will suggest a frivolous thing because I am allowing myself to make plans.

#2. Get a nose ring.  Why? Because I want to.

I live for the freedom of doing as I please.

#3 I want to write a book, maybe two. Maybe more.I have the subject material picked out for the first.I am already working on it in my spare time. It's a subject I know a lot about and am very excited to share.  No more hints though.

#4 I want to ride an elephant.  Not sure why but it came to mind and I think that if I ever had the opportunity I would be very disappointed in myself if I didn't take it.

#5 My blog.  I encourage myself to keep going.  I love the notion that I could help someone and love to write.

#6 Selling things I make.  I wanted to sell the creative side of myself since I was a little girl learning to sew dresses for my dolls. Imagining that they were people who fell so in love with my creations that they decided to purchase them. 

#7 Fall in love and get married.  Unlikely, not pushing for it. Certainly not looking for anyone but I think that it would be nice to share my life with someone like minded.

#8 I'd like to be more environmentally conscious.

This is daunting. It seems to be a competion with some people. You have no idea how much it burns me to be told I'm not being a hippie right.You have to buy local, vegan, gluten-free, unprocessed, and organic. Probably more then that too.  I respect these lifestyles always,  please don't get me wrong. I'm just not there yet.

#9 Learn to belly dance.  It's so beautiful and I think it's the most feminine and sexy *gasp* dancing that exists. Why wouldn't I?

# 10 Meditate and practice yoga regularly.  I need to find time for myself. I need to stop being such a adrenaline or stress junkie. I need clarity and love the quiet moments that I do get.

I think 10 is good enough for now, of course I will add to the list. I will not set a time limit, as I am savoring every moment. (And seriously where am I going to find an elephant in Maine?)  But at least I have something to work towards that is not work.

Breathe.

Savor the moment.

Don't hold back.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures as well. just a little moment I wanted to capture from a recent trip for a dear friend's wedding. They are nice in color but after  experimenting with the Noir filter on my phone I discovered that the patterns, texture, and contrast were so lovely I thought they should be shown as sort of a mini-collection.

~Inspiration~

  Beginning this blog must have been exactly what I needed because now as I sit with my notebook next to me there are 48 individual sticky notes sitting there.  The creativity has taken a hold of me and I keep adding to it. Inspiration hitting me like lightning, I jot down each idea to preserve it as a new idea hits me suddenly. If you are following me here there are so many things I want to do that you will see this blog change rapidly soon. I have plans to start a recipe section and am currently working on a natural remedies posting.  I want to also show off the things I am making, and have made already. Then there are plans for an Etsy Shop.  Where on earth will I find the time? But it really sounds so fun.  Wouldn't that be wonderful? To be able to craft for a living? I alreadyt devote so much of my free time to it. And I would love to share the things I make with the world.  Just having the idea made me feel like a new person.  Maybe it's the weather. Last week we had snow, and this week it looks like spring has finally arrived here in Eastern Maine.

 I tried to take my son to the thrift store on Monday (we have a wonderful one here, very cheap and always interesting.) He likes to get science books, I have to limit each trip as we would have such a library at home.  But I love his interest and nurture it. We found out the thrift store was closed so we walked along the back side we decided to go to the library instead.  Bad Little Falls is all thawed out  finally and as we walked along the backside my son was smiling and enjoying the view. I asked him if he'd like to take a picture. He took these two.  I told him how beautiful they are.

We decided to go to the library to look for books to take home.   He selected two Steven Hawking books (his personal hero) and Howl's Moving Castle, a favorite Studio Ghibli film of ours.  He wanted to take home all five Steven Hawking books but I assured him he could borrow them after he read the ones we picked out.  I choose The Way of Zen by Alan Watts.  Tiny town, teeny library. I did eye some natural remedy books and immediately regretted not picking them up.  There is always next time. When we got home I read it him the first 50 pages of Howl's Moving Castle.  Our normally indifferent cat listened to me read to my son.


 We had a good supper that night, pan fried salmon in coconut oil, baked avocado, and brown rice.  I guess this is weird. My mother said that she had never heard of cooking avocado. All I did was half them, salt them and set them on the rack of the oven on 400 degrees for about 20 minutess. So I'll have to try it out on her next time. It was very good.  I love salmon, it really is my favorite food. I even like it raw (sushi!).


 

~Howl~

Hello and welcome!
I wanted to start doing something that mattered. I want to make people smile, and in some way help someone feel more at peace, love themself, get back to nature, learn to let it go, or see beauty in something they may have overlooked.  With that in mind I want to keep this a no judgement zone. These are my ideas, my feelings, and my outlook. If you don't agree I accept that and respect your feelings. There will be no shaming! My zen may not be your zen and that's a beautiful thing.  We are all human and we evolve and grow to better ourselves. 

I wanted to start off with a little background on how I got to this place where I want to share with the world a little of my life. I've spent most of  my life so far very concerned with what people think of me, and trying my hardest to be perfect in every situation. It's very stressful.  I've wanted so badly to meet everyone's expectations of me.  I held on to every comment and every negative opinion and experience.  I held on to the past and let it define me. I feared the future and mistakes I hadn't yet made.  Even when happy, I had a little of my own voice saying, whispering. What if you fail?  Don't mess up. Don't get your hopes up. 

 I didn't love myself. The thoughts I was having are poison. The trickiest part was that they were always there. When things went wrong little by little I surrendered to the negative voice. And it got louder, more frequently speaking, and said far nastier things.
I let that fear destroy me.

The negative thoughts had won. It was a very dark place. I gave up internally.  I feared myself in a way no one ever should  I  had shoved myself down to the lowest place. I thought less than nothing of myself.  One day it just happened. I got fed up with hearing myself  throw negative rocks. I came to a point where I recognized the self -harm in my head was far more destructive then anything.
  I let it go. I rolled the windows down, I felt the wind on my face and in my hair. I turned my face to the moon and howled. Howled. Literally; loudly. I heard the voice again.  Are you insane? What if someone hears you? I took a breath and howled even louder. Who cares? Hear me! Hear that I am outside in the middle of the night howling at the moon like a crazy person. I don't care.  Laugh at me.
I am free now.
Is it crazy? Merriam-Webster says that of a dog or a  wolf howling is to make a long, loud cry that sounds sad.  Sad? No. I wasn't howling to express sadness, It was a release, of all my anxiety, of all my stress, and most importantly it was a declaration of my freedom from those feelings.  Another definition is to cry out loudly and without restraint under strong impulse.  That's it exactly.  Without restraint.  That's how I plan on living.

Howl with me!